I Am Not a Low-Maintenance Woman: Unpacking the Myth of the Bare Minimum
For most of my life, I wore the label low-maintenance like a badge of honor. I convinced myself that needing less meant I was easier to love, that keeping my desires small would make me more acceptable, more manageable. I told myself I didn’t need grand gestures, deep emotional presence, or consistent affirmation. I convinced myself I was fine with the bare minimum.
And for a long time, I believed it.
But here’s what I didn’t see: Every time I swallowed my needs, every time I ignored my desires, I wasn’t just betraying myself—I was creating a slow-burning resentment that I didn’t even realize was building.
How Shrinking Myself Created Distance in My Marriage
In my marriage, this belief—this deep-rooted I'm fine with less mindset—became the foundation of our dynamic. I didn’t express what I truly wanted because I had trained myself to believe that wanting more was a problem. And because I never asked for more, my husband never had to consider giving more.
At first, it felt safe. Simple. Easy. But underneath, something was shifting.
As I started growing in my self-worth—as I healed old wounds of abandonment and loss—I began to see myself differently. I started to recognize how I had trained myself to settle. How I had unknowingly taught my husband that I was content with the bare minimum. And as I grew, I started to feel the weight of that truth.
I started noticing how unseen I felt. How many times I had convinced myself that a lack of effort wasn’t a big deal. How I had dismissed my own needs in an attempt to keep things peaceful.
And once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it.
The Hidden Resentment I Didn’t Know Was There
The problem with suppressing your needs for too long is that they don’t just go away. They build. They turn into unspoken frustration, into quiet disappointment, into a slow-growing resentment that you don’t even realize is there until it starts spilling over into everything.
As I stepped into my personal power, I realized I wasn’t okay with how things had been. And suddenly, things that never bothered me before—things I had trained myself to overlook—started to feel unbearable.
I found myself asking questions I had never asked before:
Why was I okay with him doing less for me?
Why did I accept a dynamic where my needs were secondary?
Why did I allow myself to be so easy to love at the cost of my own fulfillment?
The more I questioned, the more frustrated I became. Not just with him—but with myself. Because the truth is, he had only been meeting the standard I had set. The standard I had created by pretending I needed less.
When Growth Creates Conflict
Here’s something I wasn’t prepared for: The more I stepped into my worth, the more uncomfortable my marriage became.
Because when you grow, the people around you are forced to either grow with you—or resist the change.
And that’s exactly what happened.
I started communicating my needs more clearly. I started speaking up about what I wanted, about what I was no longer willing to accept. And at first, it felt like I was demanding more. But in reality, I was just finally being honest.
This shift created tension. It stirred up conversations we had never had before. It forced us to look at our dynamic in a way we had both been avoiding. I had spent years convincing myself I was okay with less, and now I was showing up and saying, I want more. I deserve more.
And that wasn’t easy for either of us.
The Breaking Point and the Breakthrough
There was a moment—one of those raw, real moments—where I finally said out loud:
"I am not a low-maintenance woman. And I never was. I just told myself I had to be."
And saying that changed everything.
It wasn’t about demanding extravagance or becoming "high-maintenance"—it was about allowing myself to want fully. To express my needs without fear of being too much. To stop shrinking just to make it easier for someone else to handle me.
This conversation wasn’t easy. It led to some of the hardest moments in our marriage. But it also led to the most honest ones.
Because the truth is, my husband wasn’t intentionally giving me the bare minimum—he had just been loving me the way I had told him to. He thought I was happy because I had taught him that I was.
When I stopped pretending, when I started showing up as my full self, it forced him to do the same.
The Path Forward: Choosing Myself Without Fear
I no longer pride myself on being "low-maintenance." Because that label was never a reflection of my true self—it was a survival mechanism. A way to protect myself from the fear of being too much.
But I am not too much.
And if my growth makes someone uncomfortable, that is not a sign for me to shrink—it’s an invitation for them to grow, too.
I’ve stopped asking, "Why were you content doing less for me?" and started asking, "Why was I content allowing it?"
And that shift—that ownership of my own worth—has changed everything.
Because now, I don’t just expect more—I know I deserve it.
And I am no longer afraid to ask for it.
